10/30/2014

How to Survive in a Slasher Movie


Aren’t you tired of the same old clichés in slasher movies? How the virgins never die and sluts get chopped into pieces? How people in a group always split up and thus making it easier for the psycho-freaky Jason to get them, one by one? Sounds familiar?

This post is all about survival. So step aside, Bear Grylls, Soul Fishing is taking over.

Here is slasher movie survival one-on-one:

1.Stay away from rooms with flickering lights. Why are people in horror movies so drawn to rooms with friggin’ flickering lights, can anyone please explain this to me? I mean, any normal human being with a normal sense of danger will stay the hell away from creepy rooms with flickering lights, if they’re alone, whereas in slashers, they are like, ‘’yeah, I’m totally going in. Alone. Unarmed. With a dead cell phone. Really scared. With a full bladder.’’ 

I’m kidding. The bladder is empty, as the person had had a moment of weakness before entering the room with flickering lights.

2. Don’t say ‘’hello?’’ and/or ‘’hello, is anyone there?’’ when entering a room with flickering lights. You’re going to die for sure. If you want my advice, say: ‘’Oy, are you there, mate?’’ with a Scottish accent. That’s going to throw the killer off his game for sure and all of a sudden you have a 70% chance of survival. Guaranteed.

3.Don't split up. Why, why, why would you do that? Why do people in slashers repeat the same mistake over and over again? ‘’Yeah, we are alone in the woods, without gas or water or toilet, in a small group of five and we should really split up. That’s a good one. Yup. Let’s do it.‘’

On the second hand, this decision was made by stupid people and therefore they kind of had it coming. Survival of the fittest. That’s not Soul Fishing. That’s friggin’ Darwin! Beat that!

4.Don't sleep around. Everybody has a weakness. Vampires have sunlight. Werewolves have silver. George W. Bush has intelligence. And killers have virgins. 

Ways of the world. Just ways of the world. So, keep your pants on and wait till the end of the slasher movie.

5.Take up Kung Fu. Let me ask you this: ‘’Would a killer take Bruce Lee down?’’ ‘’Of course not,’’ you say: ‘’Bruce would open a can of whoop-ass and make a Pscho-freaky Jason enchilada.’’

All I’m saying is this – somewhere underneath that scary black blood-splattered robe is a penis. And you should kick it as hard as you can. And then run for your life. It’s just common sense.

6.Hone your basic motor skills and learn how to run without falling down. Speaking of running for your life, you should really not trip over your own damn feet. Because it you do, you’re going to die for sure.

So I’m thinking maybe you should take some salsa lessons in advance, since dancing improves motor skills.

Just saying.

7.Stay away from mirrors. Stare into a mirror long enough and a psycho killer will appear behind you, out of nowhere, without you hearing him.

And we all know how that ends.

By you stabbing him in the eye with a toothbrush.

F*** you, killer.

8.Have your cell fully charged. Why, why, why do people in the shittiest situations run out of battery power? 

The Universe cannot be this lame! No, wait, the Murphy’s Law cannot be this lame! 

Could you please just have your batteries charged at all times, it’s not like it’s brain surgery!


So that's my slasher movie survival one-on-one.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Feel free to comment:)

-Teja xoxo

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10/29/2014

How not to go Broke in Palmanova


If you’re from Italy, Slovenia, Austria or Croatia, you must have heard of Palmanova Village Outlet. If not, let me explain in a nutshell – it’s basically a shopping village, with sales all year round. In short – it’s paradise.

This Sunday was my first shopping trip to Palmanova and I have to admit I wasn’t particularly excited about the whole thing since two of my closest friends said that it was nothing special. End quote. Therefore, I was expecting a big warehouse-like building with fluorescent lights and bad ventilation and cheap clothes stacked in piles and people fighting over them like pigeons over crumbs.

I am happy to say that this was one of those occasions when life pleasantly surprises you and gives you something way better than you had imagined. The ‘’village’’ was an actual mini village with detached houses, each a shop on its own, with everything your heart desires: from Lindt chocolaterie, to renowned brands, such as Baldinini, Pollini, Calvin Klein, IXOS, Pupa Makeup, I could go on and on. Like I said – it was paradise. A paradise that caused a big leakage in my wallet, which is not the first nor the last time it has happened. So, I have decided to do something about it – and to blog about this experience, hopefully preventing further faux pases for myself and for all the lost souls making a pilgrimage to Palmanova.

Here’s what you need to know. Before you splurge in Palmanova:

1. Know exactly how much money you have on your account - and in your wallet. This is vital because it’s the only way to create a budget and work within it. Think also about when you’re shopping: at the beginning of the month, in the middle or at the end, since you still need some money left to cover your living expenses. What good are the new Pradas, if you don’t have the money to for your electricity bill?

2. Work out a budget and write it on a piece of paper. Why? Because you need to see the number on paper. If you don’t write it down, it exists only in your head and you can quickly override it in the shopping rush.

3. Have some extra cash saved up for emergencies. Okay, let’s say that we have a budget of 250 euros. Fair enough? And let’s say that you’ve spent 30 on a T-shirt, 100 on a pair of jeans and a sweater and then you see the killer pumps that are perfect for you and you have been looking for ages – but they are 180 euros, which is 60 over your budget.

Are you still taking them?

If no, good for you, you have the discipline of a Buddhist monk. But then again, you are also one in a million, so you don’t really count.

If yes, I would suggest working out another little budget that serves as a backup of the aforementioned budget. Yes, you need to work out a budget within a budget. I mean, what are you going to do, slice the pump off to be within the budget frame?

The point of this is, how much is the absolute maximum that you are willing to spend, without actually touching the money that covers your living expenses?

4. Make a list of things that you really need. Say you need a pair of nice sturdy winter boots. This is what you need and this is what you go for. At last, you got them. Good. But then again, you also got Calvin Klein undies and a tracksuit. Yes, you need them, but they’re not the absolute must. But then again, you really, really like them. And then you decide that you absolutely need them.

Sounds familiar?

There is a good remedy against that. Write a list. Put the list in your pocket. Take a list out of your pocket when you get there and start ticking things off. If it’s not on the list, you’re not allowed to buy it. Simple.

5. Maintain self-discipline. Are you kidding?! I’m a woman on a shopping spree and now all of a sudden I have to maintain a sense of self-control??

Been there?

This is the hardest part, I mean who wouldn’t want to buy everything their heart desires. But eventually, you do need to put a break on or your finances will suffer. Think of it this way: if you leave something that you really liked behind, you have something to look forward to next time you come to PalmanovaJ

Hope you've enjoyed this post,

Love,

Teja xoxox

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9/23/2014

Enjoy your life like the French!

While in Paris, I was amazed what experts the French are in enjoying their life. They can turn the simplest of things into pure pleasure, like having a cup of coffee at a cafe or sitting down on a park bench and enjoying an ice-cream. It really makes you wonder, how little one needs to be happy and how happiness comes from the smallest of things. Then, I thought to myself: ’’More people should be doing this.’’ That’s why I came up with a list of things that I believe one should be doing in order to enjoy their life like the French.

1. Refer to your significant other as your ‘’lover,’’ e.g. ‘’my lover loves the eggshell white in our bedroom,’’ or ‘’my lover can’t live without crème bruleé,’’ etc. Having a ‘’lover’’ sounds very French and therefore very cool.

2. Just relax and lie back in your deckchair. The Paris parks are chock-a-block full of really heavy iron deckchairs (that way they can’t get stolen) for park visitors to lie back and relax after work, it’s incredible! A park in the middle of Paris looks like a fully-clothed beach. I loved it!

3. Wear a scarf loosely tied around your neck. It’ll complement your outfit and you’ll look really elegant. In Paris everybody wears a scarf due to windy weather, usually one with a discreet pattern, even when it’s hot. Voila! Instant chic.

4. Take up smoking. Seriously. The French do enjoy their cigarettes, the operative word being ‘’enjoy,’’ which means that they don’t chain smoke them, they simply have a cigarette or two with a cup of café noisette, savoring their combined taste, and then maybe they’ll have a few more in the evening at a soiree with a glass of wine.

After seeing one too many Parsiennes indulging in their little nicotine vice, I have to say there is something in the way they smoke them: They would gently purse their lips in a coquettish little pout and just puff the smoke out. I think that’s the real reason why the cigarettes make the French look so friggin’ cool: their main motivation seems to be enjoyment, not nicotine crisis caused by stress.

It’s kind of funny, if you think of it: The entire West is freaking out about lung cancer, plastering ‘’Smoking kills’’ stickers on cigarette packets, whereas the French just sort of shrug and purse their lips into another little pout. And puff the nicotine-laden smoke out.
5. Instead of having a coffee to go, have a coffee to stay. Order a cup of coffee and spend 30 minutes slowly sipping it at a table by the street just by yourself and your thoughts. Savor the flavor. Breathe. If you get bored, watch the people around you. Look at their facial expressions. Look at their body language. Listen to the sound of their voice. Look at the colors they’re wearing. Seriously, what’s the rush? What’s stopping you from slowing down, maybe put ‘’mute’’ on your cell phone and making yourself unavailable to the rest of the world?
(Me patiently waiting for my cafe au lait at a cafe in Paris)

6. Have a mini picnic in the park after work. To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it: the Parisiennes would take out a blanket and spread it on one of the stone benches in the park and the take out cheese, and grapes and crackers and then open a bottle of wine in the middle of park for everyone to see. They would then savor their wine in plastic cups, happily chatting with their friends and soaking up the sun.

And that is how the French roll!

How do you roll? Drop me a lineJ



Love,

Teja xoxo

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9/18/2014

Soul Fishing’s Top Ten Paris Sights plus Useful Tips for Tourists


1. The Louvre – yes, I the number one place does not go to the Eiffel Tower because by now it has become such a cliché, and it’s not very popular with the French anyway.  In my opinion the Louvre deserves to be number one sight in Paris because it’s just so magnificent and it’s well worth the 30 minute plus wait. I would suggest visiting the Louvre in the morning because at the end of the Louvre visit you will have been standing for at least 3 hours and that’s exhausting (I remember watching the people coming out visibly tired). Also, have snacks ready (apples, dry fruit or nuts are the best, as they don’t make a mess and you can discreetly pop them into your mouth).
But to be brutally honest, there is a lot of waiting involved: Firstly, the waiting in line in front of the Louvre (30 min plus), then the waiting in line for the toilet (cca. 15 minutes) and then waiting in line for the actual tickets inside (cca. 15 minutes, but if you want to shorten the waiting time, go to the ticket vending machines). After that, you’re good to goJ
Soul Fishing Tip: be patient and have lots and lots of water in your backpack. There are however water bottle ‘’salesmen,’’ mostly of Indian origin, pestering people with one euro water bottles, but that could be just ordinary tap water from God knows where. There is also a Paul Bakery with 3.20 euro half liter water bottles. If you don’t feel like spending that kind of money on water, go to Franprix supermarket up the street (cca. 700 metres) where you’ll get a one liter Evian bottle for 0.65 euro. Just saying.

2. Rue Cambon31 – every self-respecting fashionista knows this famous address. It’s the address of the first Chanel boutique, the one above which Mademoiselle Chanel lived. It’s also the only ‘’real’’ Chanel boutique for the French women.
 I have a funny anecdote for you: When I was standing in front of the entrance to the Chanel boutique, I saw that there was a pretty big crowd of people shopping there. I was surprised as I thought that such boutiques were pretty low key. So I asked the security guy if I could go in. And he looked at me very seriously as said ‘’no’’. So, I kind of shrugged and turned to leave, thinking that this was a closed party thing and he just laughed and opened the door for me, saying that he was only joking. All of a sudden I was rubbing shoulders with crème de la crème of the Paris society, not exactly knowing what to do with myself because I was in the friggin’ Chanel boutique with only 30 euros in my pocket.

By the way, there are not price tags on any of the Chanel products which tells me that I would have to sell my liver on the black market to actually afford one product. Then, there was another problem. The shopping assistant came to me and asked if I needed any help. I swallowed hard and said that I came to see the l’appartmenet de Mademoiselle Chanel. And the assistant looked at me funnily and said that it was accessible only by a special invitation. But I was allowed to see the Chanel stairs, leading to her apartment, the stairs that were the runway for the first Chanel fashion show. I was over the moon! I thought everybody in such boutique was going to be snooty but they were so kind!
Soul Fishing Tip: Be nice to all the 100 security officers and they are going to take wonderful photos of you in front of the Chanel stairs.

3. Notre Dame – the cathedral is absolutely magnificent and I am so happy that I got to see it bathing in the last rays of the sunset. It was stunning. But I have to admit that I didn’t visit the inside of the cathedral. And no, I didn’t see Quasimodo.
Soul Fishing Tip: Do a very un-tourist thing and go to the Notre Dame at sunrise or sunset. It’s an experience you won’t forget.

4.La Biennale Paris in the Grand Palais - do yourself a favor and spend 30 euros on a ticket. These 30 euros will be so so so well spent. I know, I know. It’s a lot of money and if the lady with a Celine bag behind me says to her husband that the tickets are expensive, they probably are. And I do have to admit that my hands were slightly shaking when I gave my credit card to the ticket saleslady. However, the biennale is so magnificent and filled with rare antique artwork costing thousands and thousands of euros, it’s a chance you will never get again. I stayed for 3 hours and took about 300 photos.
Soul Fishing Tip: Do yourself a favor and spend those 30 euros on the friggin’ ticket. Do you want to see the crème de la crème of Paris or not?

5. Palais Galliera (Musee de la Mode) – This year, the Paris fashion aficionados are celebrating a 50-year anniversary of French fashion, which makes this exhibition even more special. Unique outfits by Chanel, Dior, Rochas, etc. are displayed and in my opinion, it’s a must see for every self-respecting fashionista. However, the exhibition is fairly small, so think if it’s worth spending 8 euros on it.

Soul Fishing Tip: Dress elegantly, as there will be lots of chic people. If you want to blend in with the crowd, bring a sketch book, and pretend that you’re sketching a dress or two;) Works like a dream.

6. The Petit Palais Musee des Beaux-Arts – Finally, one exhibition that is 100 % free! The Petit Palais is located opposite the Grand Palais and is very airy and filled with sunlight. It’s a sheer delight to visit and fairly small, which is also a big plus after getting lost one too many times in the labyrinths of the Louvre.
Soul Fishing Tip: Have a café noisette (3.70 euro, a bargain after 5-7 euro coffees) and macarons au caramel a la fleur du sal in the garden of the Petit Palais. The garden of the Petit Palais is so wonderfully quiet and peaceful, it’s a great getaway from the hustle and bustle of busy streets of Paris. By the way, one macaron usually costs 1.50 euro. You won’t get them cheaper.

7. Shakespeare and Company Bookshop at Saint Germain – hands down, the best bookshop I’ve ever been to and I have been to many since I love to read. It is dedicated to books written only by Anglo-American authors. It’s small and filled with comfortable nooks where you can sit and read in peace. There is also an old piano in the corner where there was a man playing a tune or two. The whole bookshop has this magical atmosphere and it makes you want to browse and browse for an endless number of good reads.
Soul Fishing Tip: Buy the Shakespeare and Company cotton tote for a souvenir. It’s only 5 euros and it has a really cool design.

8. Jardin du Luxembourg – an amazing garden where you can relax and dream and dream and dream.
Soul Fishing Tip: on a sunny day, bring a sun cream as your nose will turn red. I speak from personal experience.

9. The Eiffel Tower – a must see in France. I have to admit that I didn’t go all the way to the top. I went at 10 pm for the light show as the tower starts to sparkle (the Americans were clearly very impressed by the light show as they were cheering and shrieking as the lights went on behind my back).
Soul Fishing Tip: Do the un-touristy thing and go to the Eiffel Tower at 10 pm for the light show, it’s so cool! And no, I didn’t cheer and shriek, I was being very European and shrieked on the inside.


 10. The Centre Pompidou - the best place to be for any art aficionado, along with the Stravinsky Fountain:)

Soul Fishing Tip: Instead of visiting the center, do the un-touristy thing and sit down in front of the Center (mind you, with a plastic bag carefully placed under your butt, you never know...) and watch the street artist perform. Then go to the Stravinsky Fountain and do a couple of goofy poses with a friend:)

Hope you found this post useful!

Love,

Teja xoxo

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